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Yeah, right, like I’m Crazy Bertie Kanders with an old shriveled up turtle dick. For Crazy Bertie that old dog is a piece of ass.But not for me. I only fuck quality. I fuck porn stars, for crying out loud. I’m a fucking Gazillionaire!Yeesh, had this nightmare the other night that that fatty Tara Flanders walked into the Oval Orifice in an S&M suit and said I could give her a quick one, only in the ass.Said I couldn’t have her pussy and anal wouldn’t be sodomy or cheating on her husband and that Jeebus would want me to be happy.Lard-ass slut bent over, spread her cheeks, showed me the chocolate starfish and then I woke up in a cold sweat!Yikes, what a nightmare!Think I’d fuck that Weight Watchers reject? Get Sloppy Sleeve Bananas on the phone. He would, believe me. I sure as shit would not!These days I can barely jerk off to Slami Blahren or the other Cocks News Channel scenery without a flunky knocking on my door, “Mr. Proctologist, this. Mr. Pump, that.” Like I give a fuck. Fuck. ’ The reporter then said, ‘Tell us what was said during the time out in the third quarter when it appeared you were going to be taken out of the game.’ Tom answered, ‘Coach was upset with my play—I had never dropped so many passes all season. I was just too tense and couldn’t concentrate. Coach wanted to take me out for a while and let me settle down—especially with all the fans booing me. ‘Mickey wouldn’t let Coach take me out of the game and said, ‘It’s me and Tom today—no one else. If he goes, I go,’ so Coach left me in the game. ‘Mickey grabbed my arm as we headed back to the huddle and said, ‘It’s your turn to prove me right—don’t let me down.’ Not wanting to let Mickey down, I settled down, and I didn’t drop another pass the rest of the game.’ The reporter concluded, ‘No you didn’t—outstanding second half.’ Before the interview concluded Tom shouted, ‘Hey America, I want y’all to meet my girlfriend, Sue Andrews—she’s a basketball player and y’all be watching her rip those.
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